I must make myself be the change I want to be

I’ve not been in a good place lately. Physically and emotionally. I suffered a lot when I had the breakup with Sarah, because she meant a great deal to me. I won’t really bother going into what happened between us, because it’s irrelevant. It hurt me a lot, but I’d rather she be happy and keep on living, than suffer by staying with me. Do I miss her? Sure I do, but I know that life goes on. 2 years ago, I didn’t even know she existed, and I don’t know anything about the next girl existing too. It’s cathartic to know that one day, there’ll be someone else. There’ll be someone after Sarah, how could there not be? I’ve made it work once. and I can make it work again.

 

But I’ll probably need to work at myself to enhance my self confidence. I’m at an all time low after the breakup and subsequent fallout- Especially as what she did after made me feel pretty worthless, but that’s neither here nor there. I need to get on with my life, and make plans. I need to stick to them. This is what I want to do:

-Keep working. Keep making money, and grit my teeth. My job might not be the best, but it makes the money come in, and that’s what I need. I had a great deal of money saved to take Sarah away on a romantic getaway, but that’s moot now, so that’s gone into my pot. The money from this works into my other points.

-Reapply for my PGCE position in December. This is probably the biggest hurdle of all, because depending on what happens with this, I’ll adjust my life accordingly. It will go one of two ways:

~I get on the course. I apply to take it somewhere far away from Manchester, and live and learn somewhere else. I meet new people, get new opportunities and get on with things from there.

~I don’t get on. If this happens, I’ve already got a contingency plan worked out. I’ve always wanted to teach, write, and do SOMETHING with the English language. I’m not a stupid guy, so I’m going to do research. A lot of it. I’m going to research what it’s like to teach English as a foreign language in South Korea and Japan. I will use the money I’ve saved to take some time away, and find somewhere in those places that I like. Somewhere kind of nice, that won’t be hard for me to fit into. Probably an EXPAT district, or a student district. Somewhere like Mokdong, Hongdae or Daejon. When I explore enough, I will get home, apply to teach there, then just get on with life.

 

I can’t keep on moping around now that Sarah’s left. It sucks, yeah. I’m upset, yeah. But I know that in time…it’ll pass. As the days go on, the pain will subside more and more, and it’ll start to hurt less. I’ll move on, I’ll meet new people. I am the constant in my life, and as long as I look after myself, I will get by. A lot of Eastern religions and ideologies talk about this. About the idea that happiness comes from within, and it’s a culture less focused on commercialism and attatchment to objects. How can I be happy, if I’m not happy with myself, with my own life?

I have to be the warm little centre that the world crowds around.

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