I do not think I am well.

I’ve had a really weird time lately, but I can’t seem to explain or understand what it is, or why it’s happening. I’m having a really hard time sleeping lately, I’ve just become endlessly awake, all the time. I wish I knew what it was, but when I put my head down, I can’t stop thinking about my future, it’s like my mind is going a mile a minute, and I can’t even deal with it sometimes.

I think I was worried about Sarah last week, and it affected me a bit, but after talking to her, I feel incredibly secure about my relationship with her, she’s perfect. The cliche of saying things like “Soul mates” and things like that might seem trite in a world which places such cynicism on romanticism, but I really mean it. I might not be particularly certain about my future, but I know that the one constant I want in it is her.

 

I’ve had concern that my life isn’t really going anywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at rock bottom. Infact, I actually quite like how things are going at the moment. I have an alright job, a loving girlfriend and I seem to be doing ok. I’m not sure if I’m entirely emotionally stable at the moment though, and I think that’s the thing that is keeping me at a weird end of a spectrum I can’t comprehend. I try to stay optimistic, for everyone around me’s sake, but I try very hard sometimes to contain everything bad that is going on for me. I don’t feel as though I have anyone to REALLY talk about it with. Despite this, I’m sure that Sarah would really help me out with this if I asked her, but I think that would be incredibly selfish of me. I know how busy she’s been with university work at the moment, and I don’t think it would be fair of me at all to burden her with all my stuff.

 

I also came to the realisation the other day that I’ve been pretty bad lately. I had a think, and I realised how incredibly needy and clingy I’ve been in my relationship lately. I always want to talk to Sarah, even when I know she’s got a lot of things going on in her life, and I realised how incredibly selfish and greedy it is for me to try and monopolize her time like I have been doing. I’ve wrote a lot more about this in my personal notebook I keep on me. I’d be embarrassed if anyone ever read it, probably.

I want to do so many things for Sarah, but with the way my life is at the moment, I worry that I can’t give her everything she wants. In a more metaphysical sense, and on an emotional/spiritual level. I am trying very hard to be a much better boyfriend at the moment (As in, I’m trying to not suffocate her with my prescense , and distracting myself with other things so I don’t mope)

I love her very much.

 

I’m not sure why I really wrote this, nobody will read it. It just helps me sometimes to get everything out of my head and into some kind of written space, so I can visualize things.

It’s not the end of the world, but I can see it from here.

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